On Friday my husband and I go back in to the Oncologist again. We are expecting to get the results of last weeks PET Scan to check for any regrowth of his lung cancers. It's been eight weeks since his Chemo therapy ended.
On the outer layers of my brain I believe that everything is clear and FINE. But there is this gnawing little thought deep inside my brain. This part of me is flashing a warning. It's done this before- many times for many different reasons.
I am an excellent worrier. I keep pushing the thoughts away and they continue to creep in and erode my confidence and peace.
There isn't anything in particular that would make me worry. There is this small (throat clearing cough like thing) that he has been doing for the past month or two. There is the pain in his shoulder that is probably from a fall. As I said, nothing screaming or jumping out to flag a problem. But my warning flashers are going off. I hope it's just a malfunction.
I find myself on the edge of tears, or just crying and crying. I can't stop the fear of ""what if...."
So we'll wait for the results, and keep going as if nothing could go wrong again. In the mean time, life has been GREAT, normal, nice. I think that's part of my fear. That I might all be taken away again.
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