Taking an inventory of my emotions.

I would have to say that I have run through almost all of my emotions already this year. I have no picture for this post... nothing to show for this. I usually try to stay positive and look at the brighter side of things in my life. As this cold January wears on I'm having some trouble staying in that place.
There have been the highs of great times, as the announcement of an expected grand child, or the joys of spending a weekend with family and friends. But out of the blue I'll be hit with an unexplainable flood of negative thoughts and feelings; anger, deep sorrow and disappointment. Where is it coming from? Why now?
I'm angry, sad about the direction some things in my live have taken. Not just the current medical side, "the cancer stuff," that's never very uplifting. I can't discount the impact that the lung cancer has on everyday life. It probably is a big factor in my overflow of questions about life. How fragile it can all be.
This, today, is more about my feelings, maybe a more personal level of anger, sorrow and disappointment. I'm angry about things and people that I can't change, past, present and ??future. These things are weighing me down and I feel like I'm being buried in the sand and the tide is coming in. I think that I could or should dig myself out, but the tide is coming in hard and ... my hands are buried too. I'm stuck. Just letting myself drown. Helpless or unwilling to change the outcome or the past? Memories of what was and thoughts of what should be or could have been. These feelings make me disappointed in myself and others, causing a vicious cycle of sadness and more anger. You get my point?
Everyone experiences these gloomy ups and downs and this is the season when they really blossom. I don't remember having them before. I know that I did. I'm hoping that acknowledging them will help me to get passed and move into a brighter more productive state of mind. Of course I'm not helpless and I have overcome so much that happened in my past. I guess that I believe that I'm not supposed to have these types of feelings. I should always be smiling and hopeful. That is an unreasonable goal.
I know that most of us go into these emotional dark spaces from time to time and the days get brighter with out much fanfare. I thought that it was important to think about it for a minute and reassure myself that it is just one small part of my very big life. It will get brighter.

So as a note to myself; I will continue to value everyday, as I have always done. Whether it is warm and sunny or cold and raining- literally and figuratively. Everyday has it's value and can never be brought back after it has been lived. We just vow to live them as best we can. Every person that we share life with has an importance and you can never know how they might change for the better, leave space for this to happen. Life is good. There, now I feel a bit better.